seasons of time

My nephew called tonight to tell me (at the ripe old age of 12) that he's wearing Old Spice and Axe body spray. He said it with pride and embarassment, almost like he's keenly aware of the place he's at - on the precipice of puberty and acknowledging it to me with all of the mixed emotions he's feeling. Wow, was I ever that goofy and young and open? I don't know, but I'm an adult now with all of the pride and hidden-ness that comes with it. And a contract with myself seems as stupid saying it out loud now as it probably seems to the readers of this self-absorbed diatribe. And I've only had one beer, so my mind is clear and too self-aware to not question what I'm doing here......

"I have a feeling that you're riding for some kind of a terrible, terrible fall. But I don't honestly know what kind.... It may be the kind where, at the age of thirty, you sit in some bar hating everybody who comes in looking as if he might have played football in college. Then again, you may pick up just enough education to hate people who say, 'It's a secret between he and I.' Or you may end up in some business office, throwing paper clips at the nearest stenographer. I just don't know." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 24

time wastes so easily......

Why is it that no matter how hard we try, we end up wasting time? This contract business is harder than it seems, and no I'm not talking about the goofy Oprah contact with myself crap I found online. I'm talking about profound, 180 degrees, life altering, meaningful change.....it's a conscious effort not to let the ongoing BS stop you from moving forward, and even moving you a few steps back. Well, I always view Sundays as a fresh start, so in my best optimistic view, I pledge to the anonymous amorphous anomaly to renew the fight against stagnancy.....wish me luck!

Dylan Thomas said "do not go gently" but "rage, rage against the dying of the light", perhaps because he feared death. In "A Valediction Forbidding Mourning" John Donne knows it's but another passage making life all the more meaningful and worth fully living while we can:
As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

how did it go

My day of wallowing ended with a whimper....which is as it should be. An experiment in self-indulgence that passed the test - to stave off burn-out, bitterness, insanity. Perhaps it's something I'll do periodically - twice a year or something. Full permission to just roll in it....and then afterward get on with it. So that's where the contract with myself comes in. Except there's one small problem - I haven't finished the contract yet, so it's a work in progress. Its genesis is the need, the demand to live a more meaningful fulfilling existence and move from the stuck place I've been in for too many years. From the outside, I'm successful, but I never wanted success or money. I want to live joyfully - doesn't equal happiness or all my needs being met, but rather living with joy in my heart, mind and soul. So that's what this contract is all about....more to come......

"These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full."
Living joyfully inspires others to live joyfully.
To live joyfully as an individual being is to live in harmony with one's true nature and with the world in peace, freedom, benevolence and abundance.

my day of wallowing

I've decided to make this my day of wallowing, to be followed by tomorrow - the first day of my contract with myself. Today I can just roll in the mire and slog and be pissed off at anything I want to, feel as sorry for myself as I like, and let the malicious crankiness flow!....mmmm, it's amazing the freedom I feel in allowing this - lightness and actually a happiness is ebbing in. I'm not being evil to anyone, as a matter of fact, I think I'm more conscious of my effect on others and I actually called a colleague to apologize for being short with her. I'm just allowing myself to feel really crappy for this day and then, at 11:59 pm, I'll start over under a new regime........

Wallow \ˈwä-(ˌ)lō\ , intransitive verb, Middle English walwen, from Old English wealwian to roll
1: to roll oneself about in a lazy, relaxed, or ungainly manner
2: to billow forth, surge
3: to devote oneself entirely, to take unrestrained pleasure, delight
4 a: to become abundantly supplied, luxuriate, b: to induldge onself immoderately
5. to become or remain helpless